As we step into a new year, it's crucial to set the tone early, and what better way to do that than by making a plan to sabotage our own happiness and growth? Here's a guide to help!

1. Ditch the Books, Embrace the Scroll: Say goodbye to expanding your mind through literature this year. Opt for mindlessly scrolling through social media instead. Who needs knowledge when you can have constant dopamine? And if you are going to read something, just stick with whatever's trending on BookTok. Avoid all of these.

2. Lie to Yourself Like a Pro: Convince yourself that constantly indulging in your own desires is the key to true happiness. Ignore that nagging voice telling you otherwise. "Sacrifice" isn't a word you want in your vocabulary.

3. Master the Art of Isolation: Keep everyone at arm's length and keep all your struggles to yourself. Honesty and accountability are difficult, and that's not the vibe. It's all about comfort, ease, and stagnation in 2024.

4. Avoid Risks at All Costs: Play it safe this year and reject any opportunity that involves stepping out of your comfort zone. Cultivating courage and perseverance takes a lot of work, and most aren't people aren't doing it. Be like most people.

5. Rejection is the Enemy: Dodge rejection like it's the plague. Don't pursue your dreams or express yourself since you might face rejection and criticism, and that's a risk you just can't take. Other people's opinions are way too important.

6. Make No Plans for the Future: Who needs goals? No one really sticks to them, anyway--isn't that the running joke? Nah, just fly by the seat of your pants, and don't bother making any plans for the future. Let life happen as usual, and watch as everything stays pretty much the same.

7. Nurture the Wrong Relationships: Surround yourself with people who constantly complain and cause problems. Forget about real, uplifting friendships. Those are hard to find and sustain. Unhealthy relationships are a must-have for a truly disastrous 2024.

8. Procrastinate Like Your Life Depends on It: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Embrace the art of procrastination with open arms. Your future self will surely thank you for taking the path of least resistance. And whatever you do, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

9. Don't Take Care of Your Health: Ignore your physical and mental health. Skip those workouts and consume whatever you please. Your well-being is not a priority when you're on a mission to ruin your year. (And don't take advantage of this deal on one of the most helpful apps ever.)

10. Ignore God: This is the most crucial tip. If you're ever tempted to pray about a problem or ponder an existential question, stop right there and go back to #1. Scroll, procrastinate, make excuses, blame other people--you can do literally anything except allow yourself the opportunity to change and grow. Otherwise, 2024 might actually be a really good year. And we don't want that.

Was this list helpful to you as you plan for despair and stagnation in the New Year? What other important tips did I miss? Let me know in the comments.